Pushing Forward

I have not added to this blog since June I believe for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, I was doing some reading and it was suggested that focusing on the panic, anxiety and agoraphobia only strengthens it in one’s mind. So I decided to put all aside for 90 days to see if there was any changes. All journaling, talking about it, reading about it, anything that had to do with the subject matter went away.

Secondly, I have all but stopped watching the news (except for weather), and drastically reduced my internet usage to only email.

So what did that get me? Well, I have to say I had more time on my hands than I ever have had before, which, as you all can probably relate to is not really a good thing. I tried to fill it with physical activities but found I became exhausted very quickly. I slept a lot. Watched more television than I ever have and tried to stick with uplifting shows and comedies.

What did I learn? I learned I can do without the daily news drama. I can not do without my journaling. It is an outlet that I need. I learned I have to pace myself because it seems this has turned into chronic fatigue syndrome. I learned I need to learn to accept and live with all this; focus or not.

I have a new doctor. She is a functional medicine type. I had a very thorough series of blood work done last week. I understand that for the most part all came back normal. Believe it or not, this news left me almost devastated. Most people would be grateful. I have not yet deep down accepted this diagnosis. I can not seem to get through my thick skull that this is all in my head. I just can’t wrap my head around the physical symptoms I suffer through are fake. They sure feel real to me.

After so many tests done over the years, so much blood work, so many hours of therapy and doctor appointments I just do not know where to go from here.

Speaking of going……It appears I will be making a move. The whole process is totally overwhelming right now. I have a whole farm of animals to relocate to the new place. Half of me is looking forward to it, half of me is terrified. I hope that the change would give me something to focus on other than myself, but on the other hand what if it makes things worse? Is that even possible I think to myself? Can it get worse than it is now? In the past I thought it could not get worse…and it did…so I have that experience bouncing around in my head like a tennis ball.

Honest to God…you just can not make this shit up. I was told once that everybody’s got something. Like it was supposed to make me feel better. Best I can do right now is empathize with their misery.

So for anyone who left feedback that I have not responded to I apologize. I will do better going forward.

Stay healthy stay safe.

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