Early morning, late night, same thing

It’s 5:54am. Been up since 4am, well, really, I was up at 10, 11, 12:30, 2, 3:30 and finally gave up and got up at 4am. Typical night. Up why? Let me count the ways…..Arms sleep, nausea, sciatica in right leg screaming bloody murder, stabbing ice pick sensation in right ankle, full blown panic attack (that’s a real lover to wake up to every night), back ache, sinuses clogged up, coughing, gagging from the sinus drainage, left side of head and ear so painful it feels like the side of my head is one big fat flat cauliflower head, then sometimes it’s just the ice pic being rammed into my left ear. And awe, lets not leave out the hot flashes and cold sweats. Most times it is a combination of two or three of these that finally wake me up every night, not just once in a while. Exhaustion is my middle name.

When I finally drift off to sleep it is my body’s way of shutting down, too exhausted to go on. Unlike normal people who go to sleep to get a refreshing recharge for their next day. In reality, if I were to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time…..I would be declared dead. I have to get up to relieve the pinched nerves in my arms, or the sciatica. If I do not do this eventually those nerves will get pinched enough to not work at all any more. Picture that extension cord that is run through a door that after a while gets a cut in it from the door being closed on it all the time.

Just before my Grandmother died many years ago she expressed to me how tired she was, and she was ready to go. I was young, full of energy and life back then. I could not understand what she was saying. Lately her words echo in my head, in her voice. I understand Grama, I now understand. I just wish I could make it to 92 like you did. I do not think I have 36 more years in me. You didn’t have it easy either. As a matter of fact your life was harder than mine would ever be. You were 2 years older than I am now….when I was born and was running a dairy farm. So Grama, if your out there someplace I need a kick in the pants or something.  I am tired, but I am not ready to go. Every minute of every day and night I fight it.

I just do not know where I fit in, what I am supposed to be doing. I have a thirteen page resume. I have dipped my toes in more occupations than someone who councles others on such matters. Nothing ever took. I can not seem to play well with others either. I can size them up inless than a minute, and and know how things are going to work out in the end long before it comes. Unless of course I fall in love…then all bets are off because that intuition gets flushed right down the toilet. I should know better by now since they never work out either. So…we will not be doing that again. I just lost five years of my life putting my trust and faith in another human being to have it thrown in my face…..again.

Maybe I am a slow learner, maybe that is the problem. I trust people too much. I believe that the normal average person is not out to rob you blind, burn your inner house down, or be vindictive. So why is it that I can not seem to connect with the average person. I am a dick magnet.

Today is the 19th anniversary of my maternal grandfather’s passing by suicide. It seems like only yesterday. Why can’t good memories stick with you like the bad ones?

Winter is fast approaching. There is much to do around the place. Today will not be the day to do it, I will need to try and spend the day resting to make up for the night before.

Sweet dreams.

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