Things are always changing, whether you want them to or not.

I guess it’s time to bring everyone up to speed.  I have been pretty sick all summer, and am now starting back on solid food. My stomach and intestines are not liking it one bit but it is a one day at a time thing for now.

My husband took the dogs and left about 2 weeks ago. I am alone now. He was from the city. He was convinced that he could not get well (stomach problems) because the air, water and house made him sick. I live in rural upstate New York. No air pollution, well water uncontaminated by chlorine or fluoride additives..(or anything else a terrorist may want to add to it to hurt millions of people all at once), and more trees and grass than concrete. More over my “stuff” is hard to deal with. I get that. It’s hard for me to deal with my anxiety, depression, constant panic attacks, chronic shoulder pain and sciatica. I have many health issues that taken one at a time would be a challenge, let alone many at once. I heard once someplace that you can not heal in the environment that made you sick…which is where he went back to..so let’s see how that works out for him.

So..its me, the chickens, rabbits and cats.  Going back to living alone has been kinda scary. I’m back to the terror of dying  in this place and no one finding me for days..becoming sick and passing out while I am cooking or something and burning the place down and not being able to get out. Trying to walk and function so lightheaded and dizzy that the world is constantly moving while you are trying to also. You all know how the obsessive thoughts go.

I have been trying to keep busy. Sleeping a lot. Trying to figure out how to pay bills, eat, fed my animals, all that. The empath in me has been in overdrive. One minute I am fine…the next I feel like I could jump out of my skin…or off a bridge if it were closer to the house. I am tired of not being able to breathe. You would think that having pressure points gone from the house would leave me with a new found freedom. Change sucks even if it is good I guess. The challenge going forward now is to figure out how to get the things I need without leaving the house and without depending on others to get it. Being agoraphobic does not lend you a lot of friends willing to take time out of their day to help you. Mostly because they do not understand the illness to begin with.

Sun dehydrated some thyme and cilantro this week being its been in the 90’s all week. Tried to do some zucchini yesterday but I think it has way too much moisture in it to do it that way. My garden was a bust this year because I have been so sick since spring that I could not dedicate the time and energy to it that it needed. My brother gave me his old rototiller for my birthday this year, so next year hopefully I can put it to use to chop up all the weeds that did grow this year.

……….to be continued.

 

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