Its been ten years now of anxiety levels off the charts, daily (sometimes multiple daily) panic attacks, depression so deep about it all that goes to the mantle of the earth. As God is my witness I have tried everything available to me. Course.. poor people have a whole different set of things available to them than do the rich. We can’t afford to see the best therapists and when you try to email them to ask what their fees are….just to give you something to dream about you get a email from an assistant that basically says that if you have to ask, you can’t afford…so buzz off.
I have started a hobby farm. The idea was to be so busy that I did not have time to think about anything else but chores. Well the ins and outs of this experiment have been that I am doing chores so the animals don’t die, not because I am finding a whole lot of joy in it anymore. The energy it takes to get my ass out of bed, get barn clothes on, putting on my boots leaves me drained of the energy I need to do the chores. I do and go anyway….but the “exercise” of it all is just as draining as if I do nothing.
I manage to get all the animals fed, and feed the neighbors. I manage to get the lawn mowed (all 2 acres of it). I manage to do house work and some meal cooking. But the thing is that I can go throughout the day doing these things and by 7pm it all seems like a dream. I can’t remember half of what I did, when I did it (sometimes I am not sure if I did it that day…or the day before).
The physical pain and symptoms are getting to the point now where it’s almost unbearable. Being a highly sensitive person drugs do not act on my system like they do for others. The bizarre adverse reactions have all but eliminated drugs for relief from anything. Head: Dizzy, eyes unable to stop moving long enough to focus on one thing without giving me a good case of nausea, sinus infection that never goes away, stabbing pain in my left ear, and so painful I can’t put a q-tip anywhere near it. Headaches that would put a 2000 pound cow down. Some dull and throbbing while others are stabbing pains that lead me to believe an aneurysm is sure to rupture at any time. My neck and shoulders have pain that never goes away. Chest pain that reminds me moment to moment I could be dead at anytime. My lower back hurts so badly today that I can barely walk. Just getting up and down off a toilet is a major feat. Having done nothing to deserve the pain I am left perplexed at the extent to which my body is at war with itself and there just doesn’t seem like there is anything I can do about it except ride along like a tick.
I think I could tolerate all this better if I could just get over my fear of dying. I think I have discovered that the fear revolves around others more than myself. What exactly do I perceive would happen if I died today? My daughter and granddaughter would be devastated. My brother would be scrambling to find someone else to feed their pet pigs so they can work. My other brother would be counting his pennies to acquire my property that is next door to his. My parents would probably be glad they would not have to worry about me anymore. My husband would be scrambling to see what money is in it for him. My friends..all two of them would be left on their own but they would be fine…they have other friends. My animals-all the chickens and rabbits and cats and kittens would all die. Before my daughter could collect herself to think about them their survival would depend on my husband who will not step foot in mud outside the back door let alone venture to the barn to feed the animals. He would not even be able to tell the difference between chicken feed and rabbit feed. My acquaintances would offer condolences on my Facebook page to my family and 2 friends and comment on how I would be missed which is a total lie because if I died and they did not hear about it….they would never even know or care.
What would be in it for me? No more physically excruciating pain. No more bills to worry about. No more mental and verbal domestic abuse. No more fear. No more worry. Maybe if I loved myself more I could check out without a conscious.
…And so it is…