The house sits about 200 feet from the road, and the driveway is about 250 feet long. The barn is another 250 feet from the house. I spent 6 hours shoveling snow yesterday while…get this…my “husband” went to the gym. Because my sciatica and shoulders get me up every hour or so, I got little sleep last night. I have spent the day fighting what I call the “spins”.
Spins are my word for when I get so exhausted I can not focus anymore cause my brain says I have had enough even when I can not lay down and rest and sends my eyes into a spin that makes me feel like I am passing out. Much like my panic attacks I find it difficult to “reason with myself” in that I know what this is…if I can get layed down and nap it will be better for a hour before it starts again and I have to lay back down. But no, my short circuiting brain says, “yea, you think you know what this is, but what if you lay down and die cause you were wrong?” So…I sit in the chair, smoking one cigarette after another to keep awake, waiting for it to pass, which it doesn’t because I have not rested. All the while knowing that it’s pretty stupid to be doing that, my ability to think logically and make appropriate adult decisions goes right out the window.
Getting the farm chores done in between this is just about more than I can describe. It’s like pulling nails out of steel. Every move is calculated so I do not fall, and usually at one point I start to cry because I just can not do it anymore. Then you have the added misery of what happens when you start the tear flow in 10 degrees fahrenheit without taking in account the wind chill factor.
I sorta knew I was going to be in trouble today by how I felt when I tried to go to bed last night. The first 3 hours after I officially went to bed I was up walking 14 times ( I now keep a log of when I get up and down) . The rest of the night did not go much better. By 2:30am I gave up and started hand sewing on a prototype of a bag I would like to use to sell a farm product in. I worked on it until about 5am before trying to go back to bed. I did sleep for a hour and a half before having to get up and give the dog his medicine while my “husband” continued to sleep. It was also time to get going on the morning chores so while he slept I started my days activities despite how I felt.
When I watched the weather while I was putting my winter gear on and learned another 1-6 inches (depending on where you lived) was expected for today I think that is when my brain really said, ok, enough, your done. No more….and it was downhill from there all day. The only thing that I could rustle up in my head was, “God help me, please?” But it is quickly followed by the knowing that after years of those words…help has never come, then despair sets in.
I have completed the 3pm chores, and am waiting for it to get dark so I can close the doors on the coops for the day, now about 5:30 pm or so. I still need to feed the dogs (“husband is sleeping after just getting back from, yep, you guessed it…the gym). It is still snowing, and I am in a place where I just do not give a shit any more. There is no sense in wasting the energy of taking off all my outdoor clothes-I do not think I could rustle up the energy to put them all back on to be truthful. Once they come off today, that will be it.
And…he will be getting his own supper tonight or he will go hungry…I really do not care.
And so it goes.