I participated in an exercise that revolved around physically writing down fears, then looking at each and searching for their story. When did that fear start? Why did it start? who, what where was involved?
The second fear I listed was illness. Feeling ill scares the bejesus out of me. This means that I am in a heightened state of fear 24/7. On a daily basis I experience horrid sudden states of dizziness, lightheadedness, and nausea. Muscle pain, aches and odd sensations in places on my body that I never realized were there before. I experience reactions to heat that leave me fuzzy in the head, disoriented, or at the very least…passed out in my yard.
When did this start? I would have to say in my early 20’s. I was in the military and found myself being examined regularly for blood pressure due to the dizzyness. Shipmates would report to my superior officers I appeared to be unsteady on my feet, almost staggering at times. This lead of course to a drug and alcohol test, which never came back positive so they would go searching for the cause. I think after a while I had to accept that people saw me differently, in that I never realized I was staggering, or swaying while I walked…rather I was trying to stay upright through the dizziness, light headedness and nausea and assumed I was faking everyone out about it…joke was on me.Sometimes it would go away totally, sometime for months or even years, then suddenly, usually at the lousiest moment it would return. This time it has lasted almost nine years now. Day after day of relentless hell.
In the first few years this time I have had many CAT scans, blood tests, EKG’s, neuro exams, eye exams, MRI’s, x-rays, even a cardiac-cath and an electroencephalogram (EEG). Yet, despite all this testing nothing nothing has been found other than the stroke that they assumed happened when I had the PE. I suffer non stop sinus infections and chest congestion. If something were to happen where I could not be here all my animals would die. The last time I was hospitalized several kittens I was hand feeding died.
I feel like a person who is undependable and unreliable. It is hard to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am well, as the mirror and things on the wall appear to be moving around, or, when I see two or three of each and can not tell which one to grab for. Could sinus inflamation be the root of all evil here? I lived on Sinutab as a kid. Took so much of it that I am now allergic to pseudoephedrine. I have been given things like Claritin, but nothing seemed to make a difference and got to add the side effects of these drugs to my long list of miseries.
When you feel like dirt for this long your imagination can run wild with all the possibilities and it is nearly impossible to convince yourself that you’re not nearing your end days. To that end all I can do is do what I can each day, and rest for the rest.
Once again for the next few days my job is to find evidence that refutes the fear. Evidence that I am indeed healthy, that I am not as ill as I believe. Wish me luck.
And so it is.