The Outing

I have a old Chevy pick up. I figured out that in the last year I have logged about 500 miles on it, all of them pretty much doctor visits. Each year the truck has to be inspected. Each year it costs me an arm and leg to get it to pass, mostly because I do not drive it, so it sits and that seems to be harder on a vehicle than driving it. Last year I replaced all 4 rotors, brake calipers, and brake pads, CV Joint on passenger side, upper and lower ball joints and wheel bearings. The year before was O2 sensors. This year it was time to replace the 10 year old tires. They still looked brand new, but as weather does they were beginning to become dry rotted.

I got a really good deal at Walmart, trouble was Walmart is a hour’s drive from me. I spent 3 days sleeping and trying to prepare myself for the trip.  I seem to do a little better in the afternoons now so I made the appointment for 5pm. My chickens needed feed and there is a tractor supply store near there too so I left 2 hours before the appointment to be able to take my time getting there.

I got to the city and and was rounding a corner onto main street when I look over to see my neighbor right beside me in traffic. Her son in the car with her, shocked to see me waved back.  She sent me a text.  Being totally overwhelmed with the traffic I could not get back to her until I stopped the truck. When I got to Walmart I turned the truck over to the automotive people, darted to the food section got my bread and milk, paid for it and darted back to the automotive department, found a secluded corner and basically stayed there till my truck was done. I had taken a bag of peppermint candy with me (to help keep my mouth shut to avoid hyperventilating as much as possible)…and it was half gone before I left the store for the trip home.

By the time I got home I had so much adrenaline running through me that I couldn’t sit down, stand still or think. I have been basically awake since Tuesday (today is Thursday) because I still can not calm down to lay down for any length of time. I have been so nauseous I can not eat so I have been trying to keep up my fluids. My body feels like I have been hit by a car…the aches and pains, stiffness, and overall weakness is overwhelming. I have trouble staying awake, but I can’t lay down long enough to go to sleep. My legs feel like I have restless leg syndrome. The dizziness is relentless.  I already have worsening cold symptoms. I feel like I do not know what to do with myself. It’s going to take me a month to get over that trip. Last night was the first time in a while that I really contemplated  what a blessing it would be if I just died.

As long as I am still breathing people around me who refuse to acknowledge that I can not just “come and go” like they do  will expect me to “come and go” like they do. It’s been 8 years now and they go on like if they ignore it it will go away. When I do “go” it is because it is to please them. They give no thought or care to the misery that it causes me. If I do not “go” I get an asschewing from someone. I am so tired of it all.

I thought about moving to a place where nobody knows me. Far enough from family and friends that I would not be expected to visit, or be visited. That way nobody will get mad if I don’t show up. Close enough to services that it would not take me a month to get over the “go’s” I do . They won’t know of all the ER visits and Panic attacks (this is a small town….you can’t go to the bathroom around here without every body knowing how you made out). It would be nice to go to a ER and be taken seriously.

And so for now I will carry on, minute by minute.


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