I guess my job hunt is over. After 4 months it seems I do not belong anywhere. No one wants to hire a person who can only work when they feel up to it, which is about one day a week, who can’t sit at a computer for more than a hour without breaking out into a crying jag. I can not seem to focus on anything for more than 15 minutes at a time, and doing that drains me out. I’m smoking like a chimney. I hate it. At times I realize I have 3 going at the same time. Who does that? Someone who can not focus on the moment at hand, someone who can not seem to get their mind gathered into one space.
I heard someone say once that you should not live for someone else. You should be living for yourself. Although I think for the normal person this is good advice. For a person like me, not so much. Admittedly, if it were not for my daughter and granddaughter (who I see about 3 times a year) I probably would figure out a way not to have to live like this. Admittedly, I am living for them, not for me. This is a miserable existence, but I can not be selfish enough to inflict undue pain on them which I know would ensue.
So for now I will continue to wake every morning, God willing, and spend my day one minute at a time fighting the imaginary bugs crawling on my skin, the sensations of suffocation, the overwhelming sensation of fatigue, the nausea, blurred vision, daily headaches, the floating out of my body experiences, chest pain, body aches, flu like symptoms, feelings of worthlessness and uselessness, crying jags, and so on. I just do not know what else to do.
I have also discovered that it seems like my minutes are longer than the rest of the world’s. One minute to me sometime feels like a hour. I have heard people say they wished there more more than 24 hours in a day. They should be struck down dead as far as I am concerned. If they could only walk in my 24 hour day they too would beg for less not more.