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Since I wrote last I have secured half of the funds I need to continue with school and graduate, and my advisor is working on a way to finish on line rather than teaching in front of a lecture hall of students. I spent 4 days in the hospital after nearly passing out in the hall to my office resulting in a heart catherization and 4 days without nicotine.

The husband made coming home miserable because there was no one to take care of him while I was away. I begged for my old job back, the one that gave me the pulmonary embolism that started this whole mess because the husband does not have money to spend and I am tired of going 2 days at a time eating about nothing because he has to have a toy and buys it without regard to needs versus wants.

My PA has decided that its time I get medicated. She has ordered meds and I am waiting for them in the mail. I have never had good luck with meds…they never do what they are supposed to and I always end up worse off than when I started them.

The medical bills are starting to roll in from my husbands bout with pneumonia. Can’t pay them let alone the gas heating bill. I discovered when I arrived home that it was my fault he got sick because everything I own (which was good when he got here two years ago) is old, and the furniture smells, so he took a sawzall to my furniture and cut it up. Nothing I own is sacred.

With all the meditation, praying and positive thinking I have been doing I am becoming convinced that there is no one out there listening.I am wasting time hoping. I used to believe that everything happens for a reason and we are here to learn and experience things toward that learning. Nothing like being abandoned by whatever it is that brought you here to make you realize just how alone you really are.

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