Since I have written last I have been to hell and back. I have been in the hospital, had a cardiac cath done and still, my head spins and the lightheadedness continues. Discharged on Monday I am in bed today. I can not get my bearings when I stand up. I know it is not my heart because I got a clean bill of health there. I got constantly harassed about smoking. I know it’s not good for me, I know I should quit. The doctors will not seem to give medication for the anxiety and I can not see drinking because I am already dizzy and nauseous. I meditate and repeat mantras all day long to the point I have no time for anything else…and …yet…I still suffer as the world continues to turn around me and I do not know from one minute to the next if I am going to pass out or fall down.
Suicide is a terrible thing. I am not sure what options I have left. It seems like I have tried everything. I am pretty much done with school, no masters degree. One has to be able to sit up in a chair and do homework…and think for that to happen. Once again I have failed miserably. My husband was an asshole yesterday so I had to leave the house barely being able to walk when I should have been resting so the catheterization site does not break open. I do not know what to do, who to talk to , or how to cope any more. I do know I do not want to live like this anymore.