Tired

Everyday is such a struggle. It just never stops. My brain won’t stop, my body won’t stop. When I lay down I can not sleep, when I get up I can  not stay awake. Tired about being dizzy all the time, tired of worrying about dying, tired of trying to think positive all day, tired of putting on a front like I feel well when I don’t. Tired of being such a downer to people around me. Tired of trying, tired of failing. Tired of getting up everyday waiting to kick the bucket, tired of wondering when it will happen and how. Tired of worrying who will be around when it does happen and who will not. Tired of being broke, tired of not eating what I want, but what’s in the cupboard. Tired of peanut butter and jelly.

I read a lot about how if you do not like your life to get up and change it. Well that’s great for someone who does not walk in circles, has panic disorder to the point of being unemployable and has tears running down their face half the day long. I have survived mirizzi syndrome, a broken neck, two skull fractures, a pulmonary embolism, broken ribs, pneumonia, cat scratch fever and Hantavirus pulmonary syndrome (HPS). Any one of these by itself should have killed me. So what to hell is he waiting for???

It’s like a tease all these things. There … almost….could of had ya…but nope…going to watch you suffer a little more. Like being drug behind a truck by a rope. I’m tired. I’ve had enough.

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