When I got up this morning my first thoughts were about what a great job I have done “getting it wrong”, screwing up, stepping in shit, whatever your catch phrase for it is. It seems I have excelled at it, seem to be very suited for it and now at the age I am have vast experience in it.
I think the thoughts came as a result of being broke….all my life broke….and today trying to figure out how we are going to eat this month, all of us. Bills are paid but there is nothing left. I have eliminated all my “loves” except the tobacco. I have never drank much to begin with so that was easy, but I did like my caffeine free Pepsi and wavy potato chips. Interestingly it seems I am the only one in the house who has to give up things to make ends meet. For every dime I scratch out in blood he spends two.
I also think that these thoughts occurred because as I slept I was working on the reality that I will have to quit school to get a job to support the wants, addictions and perceived needs of my spouse. I know people go to school and work at the same time, but I am not one of them. I am a HSP, I require 8-12 hours of sleep a day, and have 50+ hours of homework. Doing the math I am about 20 hours short in a week. I am also agoraphobic. Leaving the property is a major event and when I do leave it takes me 3 days of solid sleep to recover. So after I feed the animals and finish a paper that’s due I guess I will be looking for an online job and notifying school I will not be attending in the fall. All I have left is the capstone, but there will be no money to pay for it, and it’s only one class, so there is no student loan money to cover it. Story of my life. I run the mile only to lose sight of the finish line. Somewhere along the way someone must have told me I was useless and would never amount to anything….and I took it to heart because maybe deep down I realized it to be truth.
It’s unlikely I will land a job where I can use my “screw it up” experience. Hard to find a job as a loser.