Typically nothing ever goes as planned. My ideal day involves getting up at 6am or so, getting something to eat, putting on barn clothes, filling water bottles and heading up to the barn to tend to the chickens and cats. This should take a hour or two. Then back down to the house to wash up, undress and go to the office to work on homework until about 11:30am. At 11:30am I venture out to my brothers to feed his critters while he and his wife are away at work. He lives about a mile away, within walking distance, but I drive. This activity takes about a hour, then it’s back home. I eat something for lunch as do another hour or two of homework, then take a nap. Once up from the nap its time to start dinner and laundry if there is any. Cook supper, do dishes, tend to any laundry that may be in the works, then back to homework usually by 7pm. Within that ideal day comes no unsolicited panic attacks, crying jags, dizziness, nausea, headaches, shortness of breath or surprises, irritability from my husband, or seizures from the dog. Most days if I do not think I will pass out I get a shower in there someplace.
The more I crave these dull days the further and fewer they seem to be. I have to do my best to get to doctor appointments that keep my anxiety down about my physical health and appointments with the therapist to try and get out of this mess I have found myself in. Its been about 7 years of therapy….and frankly I am no better than the day I started it. I take no medications, although its not like they have not offered. To me it is a temporary fix for some people, me included, for others it is very necessary. I can still remember a time when I functioned more or less like everyone else…although that memory is slowly fading as time goes on. I guess when I have come to the point where I give up on trying anything else I will entertain the thought of medication. I could write a book on all the “memories” of panic attacks, super anxiety, and related episodes I have had, but what good would that do? Not much. It does nothing to sooth my pissed off nerves now. Does nothing to fix the non stop dizziness that somehow I just can not come to terms with living with for the rest of my life no matter how much positive self talk I do.
So today I got up as I always do asking for a non eventful typical day. So far the universe has yet to disappoint. I got the animals fed. It is snowing. I am too dizzy to venture out on a road trip with my friend or concentrate on homework. I am hoping to just get to my brothers today and back so I can go back to bed. What a useless existence this is.