Why does everything have to be so difficult? I have an appointment outside the property today, for a mammogram. I have been up all night because it is expected we will get snow. My moto has always been, “when there is snow…I do not go”. Today I will attempt to drive myself to the facility for this test…in the snow. If I arrive my face will be swollen from crying all the way there, I will have the shakes so badly that someone will make an off the cuff remark about my “DT’s which they do not know is enough cortisol running through my body to pick up a car that I fight the urge to use on them to send them orbiting into next week. The technician will say something like, “are you feeling alright? You look a little pale.” And I will say yes. I lie.
People who jump in their cars and putter off to work take their freedom for granted. It would be so much easier to be tied to a pole, or confined to a physical cage. At least that is something a normal person can relate to. My ball and chain is invisible to any other human eye. What I sense is not seen or felt by others. I have to not look at others if I can help it. Their eyes talk of what the soul is fighting with. I can not lead on the knowledge of their near future. People think your a nut case when you try to warn them of things…even if they do come true…its coincidence, which is ok by me. Most of the time though nothing is said at all because in reality no one really knows the future. We all just run around on hunches.
So I will shower, who knows it may be my last. Fix my hair, if I loose control of the vehicle, at least the hair spray will keep my hair together. I will listen to Dr Claire Weekes on my phone on the way to help focus. Theoretically I really have no business driving, but we all get on the road with something don’t we? Your on pain medication, or antihistamines, or exhausted, some have been drinking or smoking illegal substances. I am on mega loads of cortisol the fight or flight self made hormone that allows people to leap small buildings with a single bound. Looking at it like that it sorta sounds like half of us are out there that should not be. Tell that to the bill collector. See if he cares.
If and when I return, because we never really know do we?, I will get on with the day. Homework, animal care, food preparation, laundry, house cleaning, a nap and on it goes after I decompress. Killing time as the proverbial clock ticks on not knowing for sure when that battery will go flat.